wait.. the condom broke. ehh whatever i think im already 2 months pregnant
We're too lazy to do dishes, so we're making sangria in a flower vase.
Ok, honestly? Periods can't be THAT bad, have you ever tried to shave a ball sack?!
He wouldnt stop screaming that he wanted a trashcan WITH a lid. Whats so necassary about a lid
Stripperoke is exactly what it sounds...
Do you remember calling me a cuntasaurus rex last night?
Throwing up so forcefully that toilet water hits you in the face is not what the Pilgrims and Indians had in mind for this holiday
He passed out with the ball in his hand so no one could play beer pong without him.
So I had sex in a bulldozer lastnight now that's definitely a first...
I received a sext from my girlfriend, and a deal for free chips and guacamole at chipotle at the same time. I have tasted heaven, and it is beautiful.
also, sleeping with your chipotle guy sounds like a good idea until you want chipotle on your day off and have to look somewhat presentable to acquire said chipotle.
Can you send me the pictures of me riding the penis
The Dick I got last night was so phenomenal that I had to take a fucking personal day today.
I realized it was late, and he was my brother in humanity and another incarnation of my own life force and consciousness, so I regained control of myself, thanked him for helping me, and went home.
So your telling me I can lick your ass but you CAN'T spend my money
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