I woke up at 5am and he was watching me sleep... Come get meee!!??
Just ran to the store on my way to the office to buy Diet Coke...the guy in front of me let me cut because it was 4 more minutes until 8am, so he wouldn't be able to purchase his vodka. I love Wisconsin
One of my bosses just told me she's having communication problems because mercury is in retrograde this month. I think she's serious.
he puked in his toast at dennys. after snoopdogg high fived him. couldn't be prouder to be his bro in law.
The lego bong didn't work. Just made us look stupid
I got Green Bay stickers to put on my nipples. This way when I flash it will look like I did it out of spirit as opposed to drunkenness
It was cool in an 'oh shit I'm gonna get arrested' way.
Houston, we have a blender
Pretty sure they aren't letting me back to karaoke night after I screamed "fuck every one of you tasteless hillbillies!!" because I felt they didn't clap loud enough for Jen.
Not that you went to little darlings at 3am. But that you checked in on Facebook. C'mon bro. You're better than that.
He said bring my breathalyzer and Anna's pepper spray, I didn't ask questions
If you find my purse on your yacht please call me - girl you slept with after yacht party
all I'm saying is if you're gonna fuck a fat chick do it in a pool it's like zero gravity or something
how did you graduate high school
I just put Gatorade in my wine, cause electrolytes, you know.
They made the paper for stealing gnomes. I fucked a local celebrity.
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