someone took a shit in my car last night and left $5 on the seat...
I went to his work to give him some blankets and ended up blowing him in the bathroom. See what happens when you don't come over?
He just brought me a wine glass. Full of Tequila. Ignore any texts after this one.
It's like the only way I know how to apologize is by giving a blow job.
So my birthday was awesome. Only remember 45 min of it but I woke up with a girl on the couch and a half bowl of ground beef
Its the anniversary of our epic NBA All-star game weekend. The night the two of us cashed a 30-pack while watching the dunk contest
IT'S LIKE SHE TAKES SECRET KUNG FU CUNT LESSONS AND THEN BRUCE LEES ALL OVER EVERYONE.
I need a new pic for your contact id. Because your boobs popping up when I'm having dinner with my grandma or, ya know, when kids have my phone isn't so good.
THERE ARE SO MANY ALCOHOLS IN MY BLOOD RIGHT NOW
Just realized I probably only have one more wedding where I can say I fucked the bride.
Just to be a PITA after I die, my will leaves 1 cent to each of my FB friends. I hate my lawyer.
he pushed me in the lake knowing full well I had joints on me. that's drug-abuse!!
I would definitely ride that dick into the sunset if nuggets are involved
Also, you think turning 23 is bad, I just ran into the guy that gave my chlymidia
I just deff did the walk of shame.. His roommate/manager woke us up. A dog scared me on my stumble to the car.
This is why I'm single.
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