I'm texring you during a blow job. She thinks I'm looking shit up. Fml. Ftw.
i want you now
you need to stop dating girls with the same name as your mother...or stop drinking so much...I don't want to see this
ok think of it like jelly beans. if you can learn to like the licorice ones, youll always have lots of them because no one else wants them. its the same with fat chicks
I do regret it. But I can't unfuck her
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not only did i climb through the window at 4 am but here i am 4 hours later for my interview at the mall and i'm staring in the dark pet store barking at puppies
everyday i am more and more thankful i can still check the no box for "have you ever been convicted of a felony?" on applications
we went to the store to buy cookie dough and conditionally went straight towards the booze
Security brought me back to our hotel room in a wheelchair last night. Vegas.
And if you ever tell anyone that I will fucking kill you.
I just want to do a slip-and-slide into a giant pool of jello shots right now.
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It was weird. Like "Mom, Dad, here's a guy who knows my orgasm face".
Sorry I kept grabbing your vagina at the casino. I believed it was my lucky unicorn to win bonuses
You want anything?
Gatorade and you naked.
She described me as " a caterpillar of adorable quietness that exploded into a slutty butterfly" She definitely nailed it there
I just got fingered in the Win-Co parking lot for pills. How's your meltdown going?
Haha never eat brownies from a guy with batman pajamas