i just saw a man dusting the fake palm trees at the mall
...welcome to nebraska
I just tried to put my feet in my slippers and found cans of beer in them. Christmas in fucking july.
I'm pregaming for my hair cut. Working two jobs definately taught me how to use my time wisely...
he couldnt get it up, so i stole his lighter. i needed to have some reason to say the night wasnt wasted
23 Roommates Share Secrets Their Roomie Thinks They Don’t Know
Tomorrow's thirsty thursday is now sponsored by the three time champion, chemisty failure. celebration starts asap.
I am drunk. Riding an elevator. You can smell the beer. Doctor on with me just smiling at me... He agrees, fuck cancer.
We kept trying to bring you to the hospital but you had a tantrum and kept saying you would never be Miss America
I blacked in at 6:30am on the last stop on the train with a random fedora on? And I'm pretty sure I rode in a limo last night while eating pizza
I had sex with a Dutch boy on a rock last night. Happy graduation! x x
29 Cringeworthy Situations People Realized They Shouldn’t Be In
Right now I'm in a club where they are passing out glow in the dark dildos by the dozen. I don't think my life will ever get weirder than it is at this moment.
I'm trying to find some better sex background music so his neighbors don't hate us. This is tedious.
Well, while we went through airport security, I found out Mom got her clit pierced, so there's that.
He's being awfully beer snobby for a guy who ordered salad
He came and farted at the same time. My life is over.
The night's not a success unless at least 60% of participants wake up with bite marks on their genitals the next morning.
I don't know what kind of parties you go to, but we should hang out more often.