im trying to catch a child molester. call you later.
He leaned in to kiss me and I dodged him but i fell on the floor. I guess I never got up cuz I woke up on the floor and he was in his bed
The guy in the cast riped the tap off the keg and hit steve with it
I'm sitting next to some random guy in a gorilla suit drinking out of a bottle of vodka.
He's majoring in Religion
You came in as I got off work, ordered us jack and cokes. Put them on my tab, and then proceeded to fall asleep on the bar.
No idea. I woke up in the middle of the night to you drooling and gnawing on my arm. Then you rolled over, punched the air 4 times, then proceeded to talk about your hair in your sleep.
So watch family guy till our brains melt and then bang till our bodies hurt?
I think not having bongs in close range is good for my academia
I am going to ride along with a cop tonight so please don't get arrested because that would be super awkward for me.
I'm out of town so we should be golden.
He's upstairs shouting 'FUCK OFF I'M IN MY MOTHERFUCKING ZEN ZONE' out of the window.
I'm a wonderful, drunk angel of hydration and sometimes absinthe.
Denial and avoidance are my survival strategies for 2013.
Denial, avoidance and beer.
I bought a vibrating wall dildo with my tax return. You?
you found yr lighter in yr cleavage and said so that's where you've been all my life
If I could eat my chicken parm naked, it would be the closest I could ever be to God.
Randomize
