She had a group on her phone called "great fucks". I was in it. It's almost like making the forbes list
i really need to stop putting makeup on my cats..
He offered to take me out to a nice dinner but I told him I would rather he just pay for my beer this weekend
If this herpes test comes back negative I'm asking out the doctor.
He hit on a bridal shower w/ his hand on my tit the entire time. Gave his number to the mom.
Fucked Zombie Jesus at a Halloween party. I need Plan B before I give birth to the Antichrist.
Hurry up and get here I'm judging myself
I wouldn't be surprised. You and I have basically synced up our brain chemistry by doing drugs together in the same way that two girls would sync their menstrual cycles by sharing a house.
Add caroling to the list of things we need to do in an elevator
I feel like there's no sexy way to pull 12 condoms out of your bra.
just saw a sign in the bar that says "no more naked fridays". Where the fuck was I on these naked fridays?
I found a door knob in my purse this morning, I hope whoever it belonged to doesn't need it today.
hahahah
Just trying to show you I care.
Isn't it supposed to be "what would you like for dinner?" instead of "how do you take your blow?"
Hey, you're the one who asked me to mc to move in.
He was a half hour late. His excuse was that his brother knifed him right before he was going to leave. I didn't believe him until I saw the gauze.
I’ve looked at so many mouse vaginas in the past week
Randomize
