I just woke up to a guy kissing me goodbye and leaving for class. I don't know where I am, don't have any clothes on, my underwear are gone, and the shoes I found with my dress aren't mine. He just walked in and gave me my phone. I was on my period. Come get me I will walk to the nearest intersection and wait.
I just accidently sent my poop smells like vodka to 27 people in my phone book
As a matter of fact my bong is named Hulkamania brother
i'm starting to get really nervous about the relationship i have with my cat
I think Memorial Day also marks the beginning of "Bikini Profile Picture" season.
Shit, I may have left some acid in your bathroom last night. Has he been in there lately.
After i black out, be a good friend and point me to the direction of a girl with daddy issues, any girl would do just fine
WHAT THE FUCK JASON, WHY IS THERE A FREE BLOW JOBS BY LISA SIGN IN MY FRONT LAWN WITH MY PHONE NUMBER ON IT?! PEOPLE ARE PULLING INTO MY DRIVEWAY!
I messaged him asking for his address. He replied with the address then said, "If you're gonna stalk me, I'm the third window on the side and usually get naked around 8am and anytime randomly after 6pm (listen for music).. If you're sending anthrax, I'm 6'2" 225lbs so send a good amount."
Please don't call my dad a fuckpuppet, I feel like that would be awkward to explain later.
Yeah. I couldn't figure out why my toes hurt. Apparently, the guy I was dancing with, kept running them over with his wheelchair.
I better make out with at least 3 princesses and 4 animals this weekend.
I got a charlie horse in my ass while masturbating. We are never been going to that boot camp again.
I have alotted at least an hour for ugly crying.
Why am I not drinking beer at 8:26am is the question
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