so just incase you wake up on the couch wondering how you got there--you came home at 7am, put ice in a cup--then you proceeded to put the cup in the microwave and melt it because you "wanted water". you then, fell down the stairs while saying "you don't know me" then crawled to the couch.
He left an unopened 12 pack of beer by my bed. I guess that's his way of saying thanks for the sex..
She wasn't to happy when she went to put her shirt on and it was covered in cum I just looked at her and said collateral damage....
You started laughing mid-cry and when I asked you said, "my tears taste like vodka."
Did I send you an asleep facebook message about the upcoming football season titled 'BRILLIANT' at 4:45 this morning?
Whoever decided to wrap my shins in duck tape owes me new leg hair.
So if a girl goes for it you're gonna stop her and tell her you gave up ejaculation for lent?
They were so big her bra clasped in the front. Didn't even know those existed.
Ps I just used the "If you give a mouse a cookie" defense in a real life situation. Suck it
In related news, I couldn't want to blow you more if your dick made harmonica noises.
Who the fuck cries when they're stoned?!
Sorry man I just really wanted a McChicken
Hella random but just hear me out...A bar that is a petting zoo. Bitches love petting zoos.
The day I let him eat me out will be the day that Donald trump is an honest, kind, non-bigoted member of society
My first hangover at work. I'm officially an adult.
Flight got cancelled. Stayed in the same hotel as the flight crew so now I can cross Sex with Pilot off the bucket list
He regularly flies into DC, so I’m going to sign him up for my Frequent Flyer program!
Randomize
