so my bro's bff came over...we had an awkward "yeah we fucked and can fuck later, but let's just pretend it didn't happen in front of the family" hug.
Just got arrested at PF changs. Happy New year, China
you do realize eating doritos and gatorade as a breakfast hangover cure is only acceptable for one more month - then we have to grow up
Alright this has to stop. Without adderall I don't even have the motivation to get laid. College has ruined me.
They are chanting tits for freedom and I'm highly considering
Thank God I didn't lose my virginity to that asshole. That woulda been like winnin a raffle ticket for a free bag of dog shit. But with like a really pretty bag. A pretty bag full of dog shit.
I'm really hoping to find some quality strange ass tonight while at my court appearance.
So, your gf couldn't walk up the stairs without your help, but she could knit you a scarf?
I think the fact that the scarf was made out of dental floss should be taken into account.
Is "you left your socks here, please come get them" a good way of saying "come fuck me?"
Just got hit on by a middle-aged puerto-rican clown who told me that it would be bad to date someone who offers to buy me coffee and makes something of themselves. I love the NY subway.
you stuck pieces of bread to your face with peanut butter and asked if it looked like you had a facial yeast infection.
ohhhh that's why they asked me to leave...
my roommate woke me up with head. more awkward than it sounds.
Walked into the bathroom and saw a Minion eating out Harley Quinn so this Halloween will be hard to top.
i puked in a jesus candle last night and then denied it... i'd say it was a pretty alright night
Can you come over?
Sex??
Sure but there’s also a squirrel in my garage I need you to take care of.
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