i purposely bought her a small sweater. My way of saying, you've gotten fat.
I just opened a bottle of wine with a shoe and a tube of mascara. Get on my level
I maybe late, he's in a peeing contest with the neighbor's dog. Currently he's in the lead.
While you were hooking up with her I pulled you off to make sure you knew what you were doing.
You said you were "testing the product for Chris."
I'm a bad man.
There's a picture of you on facebook laying in the street with 3 cops standing over you after you faceplanted off that guy's shoulders.
Is that what happened to my face?!
holy fuck man...it feels like I got beat the fuck out of by death's baseball bat...chimichangas?
Btw, do you want me to fix this with a box of wine and a chick flick or is this more of a 'lets head to the strip club' problem? I'm just trying to analyze the emotional depth of the situation.
It's that time of night again when I start to think I'm really funny, but no one else is as drunk as I am so they all start avoiding me.
I mentioned your name at this party and some girl started crying.
We need to make boob twerking a thing. I feel like that's why vine was invented
They just broke the window so they could get in and smoke the taxi driver out...
His roommate walked in then asked "well did you at least finish". What a way to start your birthday
You literally brought me back to life and then fucked it out of me
Drunk on wine at my parents house watching "RugRats In Paris". Comeatmeadulthood.
Apparently when you start crushing adderall and blending them into your margaritas calling them blenderalls you have "a problem" WTF
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