So we tried to 69 with him on top. NEVER TRY IT. His balls were in my eyes and it was terrifying.
everyday i am more and more thankful i can still check the no box for "have you ever been convicted of a felony?" on applications
I just watched my mom open a wine bottle with an electric drill. I have never been so proud.
CAUTION: TWINS DO NOT HAVE TWIN PENISES.
you woke me up just to tell me that I was beautiful in every way possible. Then you proceeded to fall asleep with your mouth on my boob.
I'm a gay man planning my brothers bachelor party, and he choose someone else to be his best man. I hope they like appltinis and gay clubs. Bastard.
It's now 8:05 on a Wednesday night and I'm already going home with my bra in my purse.
That bottle of wine took a part of my soul with it.
I found her in my pantry with her shirt off twerking...I tapped her on the shoulder and she said she was giving Chef Boyardee a show and to give her a minute...
For what it's worth, I didn't think that hitting you with a crowbar as hard as I did would break your arm like that. You should drink more milk.
I am serious when I say I think I broke a rib having sex with Kyle. It might be puncturing my lung. No lie. I might die today.
You have no concept of how high I am, do you?
Just remember, the Browns have more wins than Ronda Rousey this year.
I'm wearing jeans from 7th grade and drinking a fucking macchiato. This better be a good day.
She started crying, nearly punched a guy, started smoking multiple cigarets backwards and broke the slide on her bong. Why do I always end up babysitting the crazy ones?
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