Imagine two people making love on top of a unicorn . . . my life is the opposite of that.
Did your girl go home? Did she have fun? Can we have our friend back?
Dude sorry i couldnt seem to spell any words right in the texts i sent you last night
I felt like a fucking code breaker.
True love is taking a shit with the one you love in the bathroom with you.
You spend 45 minutes trying to convince that pregnant girl you were with all night to have sex with you cause 'the worst had already happened.'
I'm currently blowing up the downstairs bathroom at work. I wish I could foursquare this.
walk of shame into the pharmacy with a busted up chin and laughing the lady at the counter rolled her eyes at me when I asked for the morning after pill.
I cant believe they held hands while getting simultaneous bjs
Piecing together the sordid story from witness accounts and photographic evidence, courtesy of Fcebook. My night included Mojitos, lighting the bar on fire and declaring myself the Queen of Nerds when I stole someone's flashing tiara. Woke up this morning with a velvet cape and plastic scepter to match. Mojitos are awesome!
Hey by the way did you notice my third nipple in my snapchat
what's your room number? I've never been there sober...
He's balder, I'm skinnier. I win. I. Win.
the only decorations on the Christmas tree were twinkle lights, condoms, and empty natty cans. I do love a classy holiday party
I've got a tequila scented hand sanitizer for you.
you're the best roommate i could ever have.
I saw some guy masturbating in the Burger King parking lot and I’m just fucking done
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