This dress was meant to end up on your floor
I wish life was like dora the explorer where dancing pigs appear out of nowhere to solve your problems for you
Just called my mom. She definitely saw all those fb statuses so thanks for that.
Haha did she know what fisting meant?
Yeah. Which is upsetting in itself
I feel like I could be a daytime drinking legend, like they could put that shit on my tombstone and right now your preventing me from reaching my full potential
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i was congratulating myself on not falling down the stairs when i walked into the wall. it's like one step forward, two steps into the fucking wall
And then. You beer bonged 3 tall boys. In a row. Fell into some kids lap. And pulled down my shirt trying to get up. Thank you for that. I got laid
to whom it may concern. if i am dead in colleens bed it is not her fault i slept in my scarf. my dads middle name is ronald.
you're a fucking everclear ninja. the whole goddamn formal blacked out. you're the worst dj ever
but I'm the best friend ever. I got you laid
I just yelled at my mom for getting me circumcised without my permission. That drunk
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I'm covered in mustard and it looks like I nose dived in to barbed wire ??? Was last night that good?
You're telling me you've never sent a picture of your cock to a girl and then were all like "Oops, sorry, wrong person! By the way...You like?"
Don't forget the part about the bar bathroom stumbles.
Oh damn, you're right. I have to include that. You turned off all the lights with your head. That was impressive.
STOP PUTTING PICTURES OF JONAH HILL IN MY KITCHEN CABINETS!
I am a taco. I am also really high.
I've always seen you more as a chimichanga.
I'm still thinking about that amazing orgasm last night. I literally heard angels singing "Hallelujah!!"
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