Woke up to a bouquet of flowers in my toilet bowl. Drunk hubby loves me.
He honestly told me my belt was "supercute" when we started hooking up. I would be the girl to find the only straight man in the world that uses the word "supercute".
You owe me new eyes. The ones I have are burned with your balls into the back of my eyes. And every time I close them, your balls are right there...
I just burped jalapeños and cum. That was the most disgusting thing ever.
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
Well my ankle is fucked up, everytime it pops I have a reminder of $200. Jager bomb night and the day we began to rebuild our friendship.
Competitive oral. I'm always telling girls they are only the fourth, maybe third, best blowjob I've had. They go back down with something to prove.
Aka reading hardcore gay robot porn as a steady trickle of elementary schoolers walk by me every so often and im still in uniform as there councilor
Who is also still dressed up as a pirate
I had a drinkin contest with a person that didnt exsist, fuck withdrawl day
Hold on are you sure that we dont have another roommate?
Yes.
I am 95% sure I just heard my cat say "What are you doing home? It's Saturday night."
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
I think after tonight I'm 85% lesbian
My booty call is in the theater watching Deadpool right now. Never though comics would work against me.
She showed up at 4:30 in the morning HAMMERED, stripped, demanded sex, then after 4 failed attempts stopped me mid-thrust to tell me she thought we should be fucking for a cause, like animal rights. Process that for a second. She wanted us to be fucking for animal rights.
Like seriously, I would not be going if there wasn't pizza
You're lucky I'm holding your vagina in my best interests
Just saw you run by my class yelling "fuck you!". Good luck and stay human!
Randomize