my 3 year old cousin just woke up screaming "IT WON'T GO DOWN!'
I'm fucking him on the second date. I don't give a fuck what Patti Stanger says.
Did we have sex last night or did we just wake up naked covered in oil?
how can i incorporate a boy scout uniform into what i do tonight?
Just had a pleasant conversation with a mugger while he was taking off my shoes. Why can't I get along with people like this sober?
Dear room mates I tried to shotgun pam in the kitchen. It is slippery. Please be careful. That is all. Love you.
CHEMICAL ENGINEER. God my mom would be so proud of me.
I'm gonna call it the Reunion Tour. Hooked up with two different ex girlfriends in one day...
Woke up in time for my 8:15
Good for you I'm impressed
I realized 10 minutes in it was a class from last semester
No matter how drunk I am or how drunk I'll ever be I love you
Any residual attraction has just been ruthlessly murdered by that mustache.
I never thought the most recent texts on my phone would be with ASAP ferg and my ex...
Ps he swallowed my earring last night so yeah
there's fucking coffee grinds packed all inside my pipe. what did i do
I got sriracha sauce on my mask while I was eating fast food, now wearing it makes me hungry
Randomize
