"Ever since I killed her kid she be actin' shady." Actual quote overheard at Marine World just now. Oh God.
it sucked. he totally couldn't get it up. blamed it on never having cheated b4. Couldn't stop laughing. fuck.
i hit her car. ill just send her a farmville gift in the morning. then it'll be alright.
My dick just stopped my iPhone from falling into the toilet.
I really want to go out tonight but part of me wants to be able to honestly tell the judge tomorow that I didn't
Please tell me why your entire hallway smells like microwaved condoms.
My phone now knows what I type and it prompts me with frequently used words. And anytime I use "and" and hit the space key two of the words are "unicorn" and "sausage"
The maintenance guy asked for a box to stand on to reach the ceiling. All I could offer him was a keg.
Had a dream that you were held at gun point. But I killed the guy. Then we embraced in the biggest hug while everyone around us clapped... Kinda how I imagine our wedding...
So you're on like a list there now..."Do not under any circumstances give this person a knife. Serve them in plastic cups ONLY"
These past few weeks have been a lesson on why you don't put your penis inside girls who live in your building.
After my second liter of German beer, nothing D-cup or larger is safe near me.
After last night I never want to be in the back of a cop car again. No leg room.
He's such a neat freak that he started making the bed while I was still laying on it naked. He succeed in case you were wondering.
I’ve been home 1 day and already had sex with my ex and got a blowie from her cousin and currently I’m getting molested by a cougar at the bar!!!! Plenty to give thanks for this year!!!!
Randomize
