My boogers are black from last night. So that's either from all the colored hairspray or inhaling all of the tragedy from the party...
I hate girls that dress up to come to planned parenthood. I just want to be like we are all in the same boat here, we know your slutty. Its OK.
she said she didn't want to sleep with me again because I wasnt a generous lover. I ignored her slight moustache, didnt i? i think thats pretty damn generous
we didnt even make it to the club...the two of us were sharing a plastc bag in the taxi puking into it.
He called it restless penis syndrome. I call it cheating.
I know it I should, but it's kinda nice. It's smells like unbridled enthusiasm and copious amounts of melt your face off sex.
"I gave a guy a handjob last night, on a dog bed, inside a fireplace. It's going to be a good year."
I remember him going "OH SHIT" when he saw you straddling me on the table. And it was like the best feeling ever.
You FaceTimed me at three in the morning while you were peeing. Your eyes were glazed over and you showed me your bellybutton.
Weird thing is that's not the first time I've been felt up by a Santa. Happens every year
idk how I feel so profoundly understood by someone whose latest tweet is "labia majora's mask." but I do.
YOU LICKED MY MAKEUP OFF.
I'm sexting at my family's 4th of July BBQ and I feel no shame....
I’m traumatised. Bring vodka and condoms.
dude i told her that I loved her...and she said, " go fuck yourself"
Randomize
