Is it because I queefed?
So then I told him that only a restaurant managed by a florida fan could run out of ketchup
I woke up this morning with a bag of pepperonis in my bed.... and my facebook status was "pepperonis"
The nurse told me they're using the same medicine that killed michael jackson.
I've realized that you're the only friend i can rely on to drink with me any given day. i thank you for that.
When else am I ever going to have a chance to do lines with T-Pain?
I woke up with like grass burns all over my body, i'm pretty sure i made out with someone under a bus. . . but i'm not sure
They should have to wear some identification that warns you to stay away. Like one of those cones dogs wear to keep them from biting stitches. CONE OF SHAME.
Today wasn't Sunday Funday, it was more like Sunday god is taking a shit on my life day
Remember the bouncer that knocked out Dave and Sam? Apparently his day job is a florist. Uppercut and fresh cut in one package.
after attempting to eat a candy cane bigger than my hand i have determined there's no way to eat this that doesn't seem erotic
Well, I woke up on a roll-away, with a knot in the back of my head and penis confetti stuck to me. Also, I apparently literally gave the shirt off my back right before I passed out, so I was topless. Vegas won this trip.
his mom called during sex and he made me talk to her I think we're getting serious
Your vagina is like Nancy Drew lately.
Don't put me in that position. I am not qualified to be the responsible adult here.
Randomize
