there's unknown territories my dick was not made to discover
you started looking at my couch laughing and saying to it "she thinks I'm talking to you" then proceeded to laugh and talk to the couch some more.
Dude that soap I drank last night is fucking killing me.
What I do when I'm blackout drunk is none of my business.
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The amount of precision it takes to urinate into a 2 liter bottle while hammered is undeniably difficult.
I'm wearing green eyeshadow so even if I end up totally naked I still won't get pinched.
And your boyfriend doesn't mind you constantly taking pictures of his dick just to freak out your brother?
its more like he's accepted that he can't stop me
Something tells me your "Titties for Tracy Morgan" fundraiser won't pan out.
I thought I'd never say this, but if I had to choose between these cookies and sex, it would be these cookies
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I was sprawled on his bed and heard him and a girl walk in the apartment. I jumped out the window and am walking down main street wrapped in an american flag blanket. Can you pick me up?
Let me get this straight. You stopped mid foreplay to shave your legs?
Um yeah. I wasn't about to shave them if nothing was happening. And I have HBO. It's not like he's the victim here.
It's sunday night and I just went to the store to buy cookie dough and condoms, I'm so proud of myself.
She’s super into those renaissance faires. But, if you can’t actually stab anyone, what’s the point?
You made me promise I wouldnt let you play "fuck fuck goose" with a 40 year old ever again.
I've been eaten out in coupes, sedans, trucks, suv's, you name it. If I can do it in a smart car, you can do it in a vw beetle.
I knew you were the expert on doing it in public. You need to get paid for your advise
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