I just ate a whole bag of celery instead of getting up to get a glass of water. That high.
It's the first day of summer. It's not a race it's a marathon. Pace yourself
could you please not use my mortar and pestal for its intended purpose? i just snorted cracked black pepper.
I told him we couldn't hang out because I had strep, he said he's had it once so he couldn't get it again. The sex isn't worth this level of stupidity
She cheated on me with the same state trooper that wrote me a ticket.
I guess now you have a way to keep your license when you bring that up in court.
Dude, you are the most awesome.
Did I mention I should never take 5 Xanax and drink?
I sort of figured that out when I found you sitting on the roof of your house saying we could get in through the skylight while I called the locksmith.
i think dick pics are a sign of a sexual renaissance
Here's a tip. Don't party with someone that needs sexual attention. Drinking and sexual attention don't mesh well in the morning. Especially over a bowl of Cheerios.
He was respectful of both me and my One Direction calendar.
HOW DID I LET MYSELF GET SUCKED IN HE HAS A PENIS FOR PETE'S SAKE.
I don't know about this Sanders guy after all. I'm voting for MYSTERY BABYLON, WHORE OF ALL THE EARTH
Hillary?
I know where his drugs are but not my pants
I haven't had sex since the Vanilla Ice concert
Please don't have sex ever again just so you can say that forever.
In my life time, I want nothing more than to get a blow job while watching Space Jam.
You kept singing "your gonna lose that girl" to him right in front of her.. of course you got punched in the face.
Randomize
