May have finally hit rock bottom...bouncer from the strip club informed me I wore the same shirt last night
i used baking grease as lip gloss
Dear drunk me, don't shave my balls til you're sober. My junk looks like a pomeranian with mange.
I told her we could be friends and she said the last time i told her that we had sex behind a bar at 4am
You should be proud. How many people can say they GAVE a stripper an std?
You fucked everything up-can't pass a cleared kitchen table without getting hard
I hate him and his pretentious your-sleeping-in-the-wet-spot look.
If we accept the love we think we deserve do we also accept the sex we think we deserve?
as he was fingering me, all I was thinking about was how lucky his girlfriend is...
Seriously, she had fingers that made me thank a god I don't even believe in that I'm gay.
Dude I'm at a bar, and there's this Elvis impersonator here that I went to rehab with. Apparently Elvis has left the wagon.
Mom and I shoplifted today. Her idea.
Retirement sounds fun.
I never thought my selfie stick would come in handy for nudes.
He passed away peacefully doing what he loved to do best. Eating a pound of vodka gummy worms and failing at sex and the city trivia.
I think I may have fully transcended this spectrum of life. I can see beams of light man. Down to the photons
What
The only downside is I can't stop skipping
Randomize
