i just used a urinal to avoid climbing stairs, i need to quit drinking.
so my doctor just swabbed my throat, and he looked up in suprise when i had no gag reflex. yea, he just judged me.
the igloo is complete. bring your weed and the hat with the floppy ears
First lesson of the year: don't close the bar on mondays
Found: medium sized pair of mens pants tucked inside my purse w/ a dry cleaners coupon in left pocket. Call if you wish to claim the coupon
Is 'too horny to study' a good enough medical excuse to not take a final?
The guy at the bar repeatedly told us he was an off duty cop from out of town, that to normal people would be the time where you stop asking him to smoke a blunt with us
correction: my vagina hates that I'm smart.
He threw me over his shoulder and carried me outside, all the while drinking from the bottle of rum he was holding, while my ex watched. I'm winning the break-up.
Apparently calling shotgun while getting put into a police car is frowned upon
He sent me a dick pic from work, but I could see all the pizzas in the background. Now I'm just hungry.
69'd by candlelight when the power went out.
Literally just took 6 shots in the shower..I’ve got this.
Dude I left his house at 5:30 a.m. after you peed on his front door and then tried to fight me for my blanket. Don't even do that at my house or I will end you.
hahahahaha. Worst. Text. Ever.
I totally fucked your pastor last night.
You're his wife.
Still a dirty get down.
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