I like how you formally end text interactions, just turn your phone off or don't respond you pervert
i never knew gatorade would taste just as good on the way back up
His stupid grin looks like he's mid-ejaculation
how does a 20 year old who hasnt gone through puberty yet score the game winning goal? fuck sidney crosby and his small nuts.
I'm not saying he has herpes, I'm just saying he slept with my friend that has herpes.
When I was with my girlfriend I was averaging 1 random hookup a week. In the 2 months I've been single I haven't got any. I think I need her back.
she tried giving me head in the pool. it was more entertaining than pleasurable
We're attempting to get a tally of how may people puked last night...Please respond with your vomit status.
Emily is drunk. We're coming to see you at work and we're bringing jello shots for you.
We're the only two others left at work. My internal monologue is going: TAKE ME. TAKE ME NOWW. ON THE COUNTER. IN FRONT OF THE MANAGER. JUST TAKE MEEE
I want a coyote to ride back and forth to the bathroom because walking is getting old
Pretty sure I just shit out pure stomach acid. I'll explain after you take me to a hospital
I'm at the hospital waiting for my sister to push out her kid. I think I'll roam the halls and shame all the teenage mothers.
Operation: pick up a lawyer was a resounding success. Commence operation: football mugshot weekend
He literally wrote out a schedule. On it, there's a taco break, and a spot where I start crying.
Randomize
