its sad that the first thing i assume is that ur trying to indirectly tell me you fucked on a breakfast table
by asking you if you bought one for the apartment?
I had to puke in a pizza box on the drive home. People saw.
New years is officially the only time its okay to drunk dial your parents.
OH MY GOD. JESUS STRIPPER. THERE IS A JESUS STRIPPER HERE. A STRIPPER DRESSED AS JESUS.
Nope, I'm sticking to passive aggressive punishments. Like mismatching his socks and cumming on his leather couch. OCD is so wonderful.
I'd just like to say before I start drinking tonight that not only do I not find you attractive; I don't want to hook up with you, suck your dick, be your "suga mama" or have your babies. Please disregard any texts, phone calls or voicemails that say otherwise..
Maybe it was that imaginary ghost dick you were stuffing in your mouth a minute ago
Guys always stop talking to me right around the point that if they bought me food a couple times I would probably have sex with them.
Brightest idea yet: lets drink enough at ladies-drink-free nights to make up for the cost of tampons. Breaking even on having vaginas!
Drinking from the bottle. In bed. Making dinosaur noises. Oh man.
I've peed outside too many times in just this past week
He said he's going to karaoke tonight and I just spilled a bunch of Cheetos on the floor and ate them all. So that's my night.
I just did a bump with my mom so I’d sober up for Black Friday shopping
idk he wanted to trade sex for a triple order of hashbrowns
AND YOU SAID NO?????????
I don’t care if there’s a pandemic. My husband gave me a hall pass for my 40th birthday and I’m going to use it!
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