Last night my friend tried to make out with me in an olive garden. Ahahah
Nothing says 'I love you' like never ending salad and breadsticks
thanks for singing to me while i puked last night
Just spent a extra 20 minutes on the phone with the lady from unemployment talking about how to make the best brownies.
Just found out my ex boss was running a whore house in the bar. Time to remove her as a reference?
I love that my idea of a romantic gesture to you is to send you a picture of my vomit saying "wish you were here". You voluntarily dated me. For six years ish.
This is just what we do. We meet guys, go back to their place, smoke all their weed & go home to compete in out own version of Cupcake Wars.
I AM COVERED IN FAKE BLOOD AND REAL CUM. I AM AWESOME
I wish I was there to have sex with you on the plane to lessen your anxiety.
That's the nicest thing anyone has over said to you.
Apparently I showed all your grooms men my vagina to prove I did not have underwear on. Awesome
Dude just walked up to me, gave me his number and said, if this number ever calls its my penis,better keep that one handy. I cant lie its the best pick up line ever, im calling his penis.
He was 6'8" - I shit you not! He sat up in my bed and the ceiling fan got him right in the forehead.
Do you know how difficult it is to masturbate with Christmas carols stuck in your head?!
you walked into the party, and all you had on was your left sock... literally.
hes sooooo boring!!! I feel like I’m in a relationship with myself now. I have an 8 inch dildo under my bed, THATS how much I’m in a relationship with myself.
He doesn't understand the concept of a strip club. He keeps falling in love
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