How old was that tiny chick? she needs a lard iv.
today's thought: if you're naming your fb album "wEdDiNg dAy!!!!!!" you're too young to get married
Yea i'm supposed to have jury duty on monday. Hope they don't mind me still being drunk.
Na you can't get charged for public intoxication unless you're outside. I checked.
you know by doing this we are using dad as a drug mule right?
James and whatshisface bought me drunks. I am drinks.
you can't wake me up at 4am to suck your dick and then give me a high five at the bar
Mike is worried about me going on a cruise in June without him....how cute he thinks we are going to last till June
it's like getting dryhumped by a chainsaw in the very best possible way
Is it wrong that the only reason I'd want Savannah in my wedding party is to watch her whore around and drink?
no we have a special triathlon I'm entering us in. drinking, fucking, and sleeping. I think we have a good shot.
I asked him to help me break in the space ship aka my bed.
I just got a text giving me an hour window for when my vibrator is gonna be delivered. If that's not awesome customer service, I don't know what is.
I threw my back out having sex last night. I don’t know whether to high five myself for a job well done or cry because I’m old.
If I had your ass I would rule the world
I bought two pregnancy tests and a cosmopolitan magazine at 4am... I told the cashier "dont judge me, ur not God"
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