I'm pants shitting drunk right now
Evryone should know as good ramen noodle cooked in beer sounds... its not
using the left over highlighters from the blacklight party to study for finals. feeling the need to write insert penis here on my econ notes.
Ur gonna wake up early as dick tomorrow to do some responsible shit but im the one up at 3 am right now cooking brats soaked in keystone light so fuck your falling asleep ass bitch
Everything smells like blood and olive oil.
he signed me a blank check so today i get to decide if i want to be a saint or a millionaire
WHAT THE FUCK JASON, WHY IS THERE A FREE BLOW JOBS BY LISA SIGN IN MY FRONT LAWN WITH MY PHONE NUMBER ON IT?! PEOPLE ARE PULLING INTO MY DRIVEWAY!
Also one of my neighbors is blasting "pumped up kicks" and possibly butchering some chickens
Like we were literally doing coke off his insulin pump
I spent $31 at mcdonalds last night. Threw my nuggets all over the yard, ate them out of the snow, picked a fight about it, vomited, then passed out.
Naked.
Yeah, I got home from work at like 9:30, and he was passed out on the couch wearing only a tee shirt and The Jurassic Park theme on repeat.
I love when my neighbors have passionate, loud sex to remind me that I'm not getting laid
Once you find out someone has a small dick, you never look at them the same again.
there's a giant awkward home-wrecking elephant in the room. and its name is meg.
You can't hold me to anything I said last night; I was drunk on orgasms.
Randomize
