Just got a call at work, I have to consent to a random drug and alcohol test by end of business day, if you arranged this it's the best/worst April fools prank ever.
My poo smells like dog food. That's how I know it was a good night.
Whoever said that a man can only cum up to 8 times a day is a fucking liar...or was never on adderall
Yo, if someone calls you asking for John Stamos, just go with it.
while being fingered today, I was told I have an abnormally deep g-spot. Now you know, I am a size queen because of SCIENCE.
I hope making "real" money at your "real" job is worth it because you totally missed beer and dorrito mac n cheese tuesday.
who paints a picture of their own dick and sends it to people. i dont know if its borderline crazy or just fucking genius...
Good news: he out-ran the campus police. Bad news: they were chasing him toward the REAL police.
I inspected his penis with a mini flashlight to check for visible stds...he was clean
You better be coming back...your date is passed out in a shrub in my backyard and I'm pretty sure her shirt is on my kitchen floor
Oh my God, that is a gorgeous man. And I wasn't even gay until five minutes ago.
The night went downhill when he lit her purse on fire and tried putting it out with vodka
You're cock blocking me from my own boyfriend. What kind of shit is that?
My morning started with my mom giving me the number for a substance abuse councellor. How's your day going?
Next time I think it’s a good idea to hook up with any of your wife’s family members or friends just kick me in my dick
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