It was like a mary poppins bag, except a sexual mary poppins bag.
I will not ride trays down a flight of stairs topless and drunk....
I feel like I'm taking part in a surprise porno. At least my hair looked good.
BTW, it's bullshit to say that not doing a shot is unpatriotic. You know how I fall for that.
I'm just saying, margarita tuesday would turn anyone gay.
What's sign language for "you may not be the father?" Kinda important right now.
I've made my dad a martini every night since I was 13.. I got this
Last night I was just holding this kitten up to my face for like ten minutes telling it that it couldn't be real
It's like they're playing jeopardy and the category is "things that make women dry."
I'd apply for another job, but "staring out windows crying" is not a hot qualification right now.
i was so high i thought the horse on my poster was running
This guy is trying to get me to do some acrobatic gymnast shit just so he can see "my tight hole." I'm too big to be sweating in my own damn bed. Shittttt.
Tight. Want to get up, make coffee, sit on separate couches and silently read our mobile devices together?
I'm doing the walk of shame into my therapists office wearing his clothes...I guess go big or go home
That's why my boobs are so big, they're full of secrets.
Randomize
