today is the best snowday of my entire life. also its no shirt day.
it's been like two and a half months. And I swear, I keep seeing walking dicks. I think I'm going crazy cause of lack of sex..
I hope he doesn't find the chex mix when he takes my shirt off.
there is no excuse for him not showing up to my st. patrick's day party. i touch his dick. i get him on the high holidays.
We're gonna take a moment of silence to pray... that his penis is as pretty and as talented as his brothers.
BTW send me your address and size of condoms you wish your lover was-- "if you build it, they will come"
I'm on a treadmill at the gym ordering pizza on my phone so it'll get to my house around the time I get home. I NEED HELP. Or I'm a genius. I haven't decided.
Get my husband this drunk again I will rip off your balls off with my bare hands and then cut them up with a dirty axe like fish bits. Do you understand me? DO YOU UNDERSTAND ME?! See you at breakfast, FUCK FACE. I'll shove that bottle of Jamison so far up your ass you'll still be praying in 2020 you can take a shit! Seriously, you make it hard to be your best friend.
You are lucky that I'm drunk. Otherwise I would bone you into another universe
Had a dream I was doing scat with Caroline. I need to lay off the cheese at night
I wanted to write an apology letter to my vagina after that.
Nothing screams "crazy cat lady" like a nursery in your house when you're over 30, single and have no kids.
Nice girl until she takes off the fake human suit and shows you the flesh eating demon she truly is
So! As of five minutes ago I've officially masturbated in every room in my apartment
Dude, I helped you move in yesterday...
My mom purposely got me drunk so I can stay at her house bc "we don't spend enough time together." I blacked out anyway, so we didn't spend time together regardless.
Randomize
