The nurse told me they're using the same medicine that killed michael jackson.
facebook friend requested him the morning after while he was still asleep in my bed, a whole new level of creeper even for me
Who would win... a chainsaw pooping pterodactyl or a bear with machine guns for feet. big debate about this right now
have the fact that the early bird is danced upon by the prettiest strippers be your motivation
just saw someone climb out of the dumpster at cvs and start walking down the street like it was completely normal
I heard you were walking home with taylor with your dress completely up and your ass exposed
Yeah, that sounds like my life.
YOU'RE HIGH AND AT THE GYM OF COURSE YOU FEEL WEIRD
My thighs feel like glass
Date idea: we should go to the store and buy all the different kinds of Lay's and eat them all
So I just stirred my shower drink with my razor.
I'm not going to ask which end you used.
I can control the tv with my phone while pooping on the second floor. I thought you should know for future reference
"Like what guy would respond to 'let's fuck. I've got bagels'??"
I came in like 30 seconds, and my dog got to watch me take the walk of shame to the bathroom to clean up. All in all, not my best performance.
Trying to stay sober at a family function but hiccuping so fucking loud. "Have you been drinking?" I hit on my cousin so yeah. I have been drinking.
sex on a roof was cool and all but that superhero argument was the best part of the night hands down
I couldn't have possibly been that bad
You had her flip the penny over to the lucky side before you picked it up and ate it...
Randomize
