Not a fireman, but good enough for last night.
i'm in the sorta mood where i wanna be that crying, drunk girl who will hook up with anyone that tells her she's pretty
we're drinking boxed wine and eating string cheese. It's like a wine tasting for poor people.
this girl ate taco bell on my bed naked last night, it was the sexiest thing ive ever seen
After she threw up on my floor she started singing "this is why I'm hot."
I caught him with his head in the spinach bag this morning. He was laughing demonically saying, "i love spinach, yes I do."
I saw a crackhead in a ballerina outfit riding a bike while waving her hands and one leg in the air. Never seen such talent in my life
I showed up to a booty-call in my onesie pajamas and rubber boots
That bar is one yeast infection away from total annihilation.
He somehow pantsed the bouncer and tipped him over before cartwheeling and skipping away? Help me find him.
Idk dude I just feel kinda weird masturbating in my Obama Biden 2008 shirt...
I'm writing off my condom expenses in my taxes
Remember that time I came to London for 4 hours, got hammered, cried for an hour and then left.
I paid for lunch, then he made a bunch of holes in my wall and destroyed my bathroom.
Pretty sure this radio station is run by a cult. Good thing it's in Spanish, can't brainwash someone who can't understand you.
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