What do you call a girl with PMS and GPS?
A crazy bitch that WILL find your ass!
I give out O-faces like they're halloween candy
I jerked off enough times today to safely commit to the fact that im not getting laid tonight
He was the drug dealer that jumped out of his car to get my number
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I am literally using a balloon as a pillow on a park bench.
she crawled under her car and passed out. Unfortunately her feet were sticking out and someone called 911 because they thought she had been run over.
i just remembered that i did the "single ladies" dance ON THE BAR...fuck you slippery nipples i curse the day i discovered you
It summer and it's getting a lot harder to hide sex bruises from my parents.
First world problems?
Having my alarm go off at 3:30 makes me wanna rip my dick off and shove it through my eye socket
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They're fucking on the bed next to me. I took adderall and smoked so there's no fucking help for me.
Good news, my sex bruises are fading. Bad news, my boobs look like I have a skin disease because of it.
the fact that i came three times was completely negated by the fact that he high-fived himself after.
well I've taken an Uber to my weed dealers twice in the past 2 weeks so it's going well since I sold my car
Worst case scenario- he paid me for sex with meatloaf. There are worse thing, right? I mean at least is was good meatloaf.
if anyone breaks out the olive oil & slip n slide, text me 911.
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