If I die today, promise to let the world know I partied.... oh god did I party
dude I just sharted for the first time ever, kind of gross
well what did you think, shitting your pants would be fun
I think I took your hangover as a birthday present
hahaha! you have a girlfriend
tell that to the new girl at work who i screwed on the washing machine today...
she keeps a pillow, blanket, and a pack of saltines under the bathroom sink, for "rough nights".
Ok, so for future reference, in Rome, "piano bar" means "brothel".
he went to have surgery in the morning and apparently they found lip gloss on his dick
You have proved your worthiness to join me on the quest of taking shots at every academic building on campus by showing up drunk to our test at 12:30 today
I gave him head while he watched NASCAR. My future flashed before my eyes.
It's been a wonderful constant drunkeness. We played Marco polo with some random like 8 yr olds in the kiddie pool.
I'm getting turned down for sex. Apparently my "sexual appetite" cannot be satiated even by a man who's such a deviant he went to prison for jerking off in his car.
Sorry, I was watching the Olympic story about the Canadian guy and drinking out of the prescription bottle and crying because it was so beautiful.
Yeah! Just remind me to. I'll also bring the blow up penis
You left me a message at 3am crying because you just found out there's a Paddington Bear statue in Peru.
Blacking out in the security line at the airport is not nearly as fun as blacking out in the lunch line at the dining hall.
Randomize
