I hope the kids appreciate the fact that I jizzed on her instead of on their slide.
dude there's automatic no homos on brad Pitt and Leonardo dicaprio. Everyone knows that
Peed on my phone. Dried it out in oven. Technology is both a plus and a minus.
I have no idea. After the fireworks it all went to shit. Do you know why I woke up with a road sign?
Mark is going to get hypothermia. he is shirtless eating snow bc he "doesnt want to be dehydrated" tomorrow. youre in charge.
Theres a live mouse in the toilet. Goddamn you this is why I don't party here
I've got to stop giving the gift of vagina for every occasion. I'm exhausted.
I told him that his face would look perfect between my legs. One of my most successful strategies yet.
He ripped off his socks and ran around the basement barefoot. His feet turned black. Then he chugged Parmesan cheese. He chugged dry cheese dude.
So apparently after I spilled candle wax down the front of my pants, I went to the store, bought condoms, and passed them out to everyone at the bar.
I thought they were lying to me about the condoms, until I found the receipt in my pocket.
My one night stand said I love you, opened my fridge, stole my cream cheese and left.
The woman in the flower onesie is claiming she hasn't been drinking.
When i said i was brazilian i swear to god he started to tear up
He didn't have much of a personality. But I had like 100 orgasms, so that's cool.
My relationship: I'm wearing batman panties and a tiara right now trying to get laid and he's doing dishes.
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