watching a tv show about cocaine.. just explained to my mom why the test monkey chose coke over food
It must be a full moon weekend. All of my weird booty calls are coming out of the woodwork. I spent 40 minutes on the phone last night telling one why he is so creepy.
My itunes is telling me i listened to toxic by b spears 108 times last night
An alarm set every 45 minutes saying "FATTY" and one every afternoon saying "CASPER" every day until spring break is a foolproof plan to being bikini ready
It would be celebrated in history as "the orgasm heard round the world"
You screamed at all of us and then showed us your sack. You're like the boyfriend of my dreams.
You were visibly distraught that my boyfriend and I didn't have sex in your bed. You forced us to take your condoms.
I feel like he's mythological. Like you just had lunch with the Loch Ness Monster of hotness
Next Halloween I want us to dress up as jockeys, get drunk, and ride a carousel all night until we throw up or declare a winner
I wish they would just make alcoholic protein shakes already.
I miss the days where our biggest worries were who was gonna win battle shits.
I wish you could see all the crumbs in my bra....it looks like Hansel & Gretel got lost in my cleavage.
It’s just hard to believe you really care about me when u haven’t touched my dick in 2 months
Why did you buy a cock ring?
I’m going to propose to his penis
I sharted in court today and had to sit on it for about three and a half hours.
Randomize
