i was texting myself key events from last night so i could remember this morning. looked at my phone, texted my mother instead. our numbers differ by 1 digit
He said something pertaining to Ragu and vodka I'm worried
Please don't let me drink ever again. I apparently told him he could stay but as there was no room in the bed he'd have to lie on top of me and he'd need to anchor himself on with his penis so he didn't fall off.
hot buttered vodka was not a success. on any level.
I keep telling myself that if Britney can make it through 2007, I can make it through this date.
1 tequila 2 tequila 3 tequila, floor.
*roof
I'm driving while wearing hulk hands
Irrelevant. Does he have queso? That's the real question.
I'm mailing you cans of corn and that's final.
All I've consumed in the last 24 hours is cranberry vodka and kosher for passover biscotti
That's what happens when you party with the tribe
She's running around the streets punching people and narrating. I don't know whether to laugh or stop her
If I die write a nice eulogy and bury me with my star wars bobbleheads
I made out with him in the club and he endorsed me on Linkedin. My networking skills are off the charts.
Weddings might be fun but they are not getting fucked in the wilderness fun.
Is it still sex if there's no nudity, no orgasms, but the neighbors bang on the wall and ask you to stop? I've honestly forgotten.
Randomize
