My parents took my cat for a ride in the car. Second weekend in a row. They think its fun. Dear God
my vagina's been through so much this weekend
you mean so much has been through your vagina this weekend?
Want any specific kind of beer?
Yeah. Alcohol flavor.
Got it. Anything but Miller.
You dont realize corn stalks will cut until you run from the cops through a corn field.
I just added a bunch of arbitrary options to my ouija board. Ghosts can now tell me "cheddar," "the homosexual agenda," "the whole foods vegan aisle," or "viable offspring"
Btw, you're my emergency contact at Planned Parenthood
When he couldn't get it up, he handed me a beer, put his clothes back on, and said "try again tomorrow."
Dude fuck drugs. It's 4am and I'm eating mushroom ravioli fantasizing about jumping on a trampoline
I feel like I should be having more sex dreams of my boyfriend than his sister..
I have a sixth sense for large penises and lack of morals
I broke a rule
Which One?!
The one where I shouldn't sleep with your friends. I broke this particular rule 4 times.
You're officially the worst brother ever.
You’re sleeping on my couch so you’re not making dick appointments tonight
Legit sprained my cooter. No joke. Icing her down as we speak.
I kicked down a wall in rage and found a door behind the drywall. Once again vandalism solves all my problems.
Stop saving videos when you’re using my pornhub account!!! My girlfriend just tried to finger my butt because she thinks I’m into that
Randomize
