I am midnight drunk by noon
No, that was before the police came, but after the hooker.
i dont know you, but i just did a line with your business card.
dont get mad but guess who just got banned for life from dodger stadium
I dunno, but she kept buying me shots and asking me to go places with her. oh btw we're signed up to go bungee jumping Saturday
She started ignoring us once we told her we were out to celebrate your abortion. Who knew strippers could be judgemental?
It was sunday, you had a camel back of bloody mary stumbling around a dog park with no dog.
Remember when we pinky swore we'd never feel hungover alone...
Cats found the secret coke stash again
They owe us $80.
The brazilian leg lock that the stripper put me in was definitely the highlight of the night
This is not 2004 anymore. It's not acceptable to get fingered while watching 'Ferngully' in a basement full of your friends.
I had my room mate call my phone after last night and it was in an uncooked quesadilla
My friends got engaged today and I learned the techniques of going upside down on a stripper pole. I'm not really sure who won...
It's three am. I'm drunk in a stairwell in Vegas. My flight leaves at six. Help.
If he's dating my cousin now, do I have to erase the pictures of his dick off my phone? Ugh, morals.
Randomize
