we need to drink 2009 down the drain
im pretty sure every drug dealer is going to be able to retire the day after alice in wonderland comes out
Oh god. It's my first day here, I'm still drunk and somebody just drifted in a forklift. I'm going to die.
Just threw up on my desk at work. They are making me go home.
I woke up pulling sunflower seeds out of my vagina. That kind of night.
We waited til after. Not even drunk sex felt right during a Disney movie.
i told you he always needs adult supervision he just tazered himself
Ugh. my cast still smells like fermenting hot tub water and bad decisions.
Do you think you're physically and mentally capable of killing me? Because I'd really appreciate it.
I always "accidentally" drop a condom and make sure she sees it's a magnum. By the time I'm inside her and she realizes how small I am, it's all over in a flash and I'm done. Plus, they never call back so I never have to see the girl ever again. #gratefulforprematuretinypenis
Well be careful man. Be careful. Wear shoes in the house. Safety. Safety first, then teamwork.
Ugh contemplating vodka and chocolate protein powder as this Capri sun and vodka isn't really cutting it
SINCE WHEN WAS USING A FROZEN WATER BOTTLE ATTACHED TO A ROPE AS A THROWING WEAPON A GOOD IDEA??
The modern romantic, surprising his gf w/ a gram of blow
I don't know, all I remember is waking up at 4 in the morning to him going down on me.
Randomize
