I tried to use my car keys to open my door
I just started a sentence with yellow.
It's official. Every guy I've slept with has been to jail.
Princesses don't give blow jobs
So gin and wine won't be happening again
She's like a pop up book from hell.
rethinking that breast reduction surgery... i'm tired of drunkenly explaining the scars to guys who don't really give a shit
I smoked a bowl while he ate me out, you need to change your major to match making asap. You are a guru of love.
just found a bag of Oreos in my purse labeled "emergency".
Right, well, that begs the question of where did you get the whip, why are you using it, and why don't you carry one around more often?
Oh man, buzzed lunch fridays almost got out of hand.
I blacked in at 6:30am on the last stop on the train with a random fedora on? And I'm pretty sure I rode in a limo last night while eating pizza
There are two women in my bed. I'm gonna have a bowl of noodles so I can better understand my success.
...You tried to use your wallet to call her after you gave your cell phone to the cab driver as a "peace offering"
I didn't pay $79 for lingerie for you to cum in 30 seconds
You shouldn't play strip poker when you're having a wet fart kind of day.
Randomize
