You text me last night that you invented a new food. Cheese-less grilled cheese. Congrats, you made toast.
I'm really tired of cleaning up my twitter the morning after
there is no way i'm buying plan b and condoms at the same time
no do it! it shows that you acknowledge your mistakes and you are proactively working towards a solution.
he said the way to his heart was through his stomach, i told him if he wanted to eat my food he had to eat my kitty
smooth operator
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
I joined a mariachi band. they gave me a guitar because i told them i could play. It actually turned out ok
They kicked me out of the mariachi band. Turns out I'm not that good
As added birth control I warned him that if he knocked me up tonight I would name the baby Truck.
Best part of having a window in your office is that you can leave through it when you shit your pants at work.
He always takes me to get taco bell after we hook up in his car. It's sort of become a booty call tradition.
I thought I was smashed last night but the girl trying to pee in the fridge had me beat. True story.
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
I walked by the two of them and mouthed "fuck me" based on there reaction I think they just came in their pants
I might go to an NA meeting just to fuck that boy in the bathroom.
Remind me to tell you all about the topless girl on the street who attempted to taze me.
The lady that was sitting beside me thought the best way to cheer herself up was to pet and ruffle my hair while crying and telling me her problems...
premonition: im going to wake up covered in mashed potatoes
I sent him a blank text because I didn't want to "drunk text" him.
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