too bad being hungover isnt a job. just threw up from 9am to 5pm
Im sick of reading dumb tattoos while having sex
I think her nose is broken... but I think she's just drunk enough to fall for the whole "sex releases endorphins, so it'll feel better" line.
Too long to explain. Basically I started an electircal fire. No one was hurt except for a box of cereal near the outlet.
You didn't see us wave? How could you not? We were all going like 10mph screaming at you. We were stoned and didnt wanna run over pedestrians
Where did this racoon skin hat, stop sign and bag full of tacos come from?
Narnia or $5 pitcher night either way
The bad news is tonight is also a blue moon, ergo, latin, I will have to get 'once in a blue moon' drunk which I feel is significantly more dangerous than IPO drunk
Judging by the progress I've made since I woke up (none) I'm thinking this hangover may keep me in bed.
I'm sitting on the toilet eating a Chick-Fil-A breakfast sandwich. How's your Monday?
Funny how I'm trusting a magic 8 ball I found in the kids toy section to tell me about my sex life
Basically I will actually need a reindeer pulled sleigh to make it to all the penises in one night.
I literally wonder, frequently, "Will anyone ever fuck me until i go cross eyed for 2 hours again?''
But really, someone with a penis give me attention before I start posting nudes on Instagram.
Okay first of all fuck you and everything you stand for because Taco Bell is amazing.
I just found my phone after looking for it since yesterday afternoon it was in the fridge.
Randomize
