Moved my bed either I'm a whore or every guy I have ever slept with hid condom wrappers under my bed
so i used to love airports for the escalators... now its the bars... then the escalators after the bars
normally i would apologize for my drunk texting but even sober me agrees.
I look at sleeping with him as a way to get up in the world. He will lead me on to bigger and better penises.
He sent me a snapchat of himself growing a double chin. I think we're past the stage where there's any risk of us sleeping together. Ever.
Hey, I'm renting a storage locker for the summer to keep all my bondage shit in so my parents don't see it. You wanna split on it for your all your weed shit?
I don't remember where I was but I remembered that I hated everyone there
My life is literally the worst. I was just laughing so hard at how hot they looked feeding each other the brownies and then I was like DON'T CRY
Last night I flashed a car full of people my tits for a bag of pretzels so yeah I'd say I was at least tipsy.
So the woman who sold us weed at the park is pregnant. With another small child. And the basket she used to carry the joints is decorated with Barney stickers.
She's like a yuppie Nancy Botwin. She just gets better and better.
I got you a "sorry you think I'm pregnant" present
He got naked after doing the Ice Water Challenge and it was still enormous. So, yeah, I stayed over.
I'm standing on the corner in a banana costume and cape with frozen bananas in my utility belt reassessing my life decisions.
The lady at the liquor store in my hometown just gave ran around the corner and gave me a hug when I came back from being gone for a couple months. My life is complete.
I just slept for fifteen hours straight. It's like my body knows i'm drinking with you and is preparing..
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