why is there a picture of someone wearing Tevas with socks taped on the wall?
My epitaph should read "Margaritas: she never learned"
why do you have a stuffed bear wearing a thong and a seatbelt in your backseat??
the ladder is at the bottom of the pool
They left me passes out in the food donation bin with an empty handle and a half eaten box of nutter butters
I forgot to tell you, wear something you can puke on Saturday. We're christening this marriage with a shot of jager. NOT KIDDING.
Yes I slept with him, he was the only one not wearing a costume. Guys with costumes are just trying to impress you.
Champagne pong turned into an expensive and painful experience.
New rule for Thursdays: no high gymnastics
What does that mean when you have a child masturbating in your dream? Is that weird?
The cat just walked up and made eye contact with me while I had sex. I'm going to have to burn the house down with him in it.
You're right. I woke up today with my ugly sweater still on and no pants. I'd say it was a successful night.
Nothing like a little " am I gonna shit myself " to spice up the work day
I met my future wife last night. She's a bombshell from Delaware, hates Trump, and humiliated two old men in a GOP healthcare debate while simultaneously convincing them to pick up both of our bar tabs.
You don't feed me, fuck me, or fulfill me.
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