If Jon and Kate can get divorced...how hard can it be for me?
if you don't let us come over today i'm not taking the second plan b pill. your call.
consequently i now know what mace tastes like
she moved to the other side of town, do you realize how far i gotta walk to get a blow job???
they just named my boobs. Lefty is "Guenevere" and Righty is "I claim this boob for America"
In a min. With a stripper at the hospital. Business. Not pleasure.
I dropped my blunt out the window of a moving car by accident, tell me everything will be okay
I wish there were birth control emojis
So for future reference.... it's a little unnerving when I can't get hold of you, and the last communication we had was, "Oh fuck... It's tequila"
I just gave her a sobriety test in the middle of the baking aisle.
And the results, officer?
She's fucked.
Apparently I came into our room and told her that there should be a zipline from our window to Walgreens so that I could get chicken noodle soup
So how does one go about leaving their family vacation to hang out with someone they met on tinder
Did we actually play with swords last night or did I dream that?
The guy at the liqiour store just said "Wow haven't seen you in awhile, is everything okay?"
Oh and it’s been a year according to my snap chat memories since I banged your cousin in your sons truck pulled over on Elm St! 😂😂😂😬😳😇
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