i may or may not be hanging out with a boxer who has a daughter tonight. and he just spelled "honestly" like "onistly". He has prob taken a few too many hits to the head but he's hot at least.
My own mom unfriended me on Facebook.
Oh god. It's my first day here, I'm still drunk and somebody just drifted in a forklift. I'm going to die.
Maybe I need a light up heart over my vagina like Christina aguilera to get the point across
is it possible i asked you to give me a preliminary pap smear?
Trust me man, I did not put any cookies down your pants when you slept.
Daquari drive throughs 24 hours a day. LORD HAVE MERCY
I would just like to go ahead and accept my slut of the year award.
It's like 10 times better than an Oscar
his brother walked in while we were fucking on the couch, told me i had "lovely jugs" and offered to make both of us a drink
I just got caught impersonating a t-Rex by my boss. Sadly he wasn't fazed by my behavior and acted like it was normal.
I called him a "Beautiful Bastard" with "Beautiful Bastard Hair". That is how you pick up a guy from Denmark.
Getting drunk at 9 am is not a super power.
I called him Oliver all night
His name is Brandon
Dude... Those don't even start with the same letter...
we started drinking at 4pm, somehows its 1 am im in bathing suit running from the cops.....any explanation of what happened?
Hi darlin, what are you doing tonight?
.... Things I will not be proud of
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