ya i found him eventually. hes the only one who drinks guiness so I just had to follow the darkest green puke trail
Thought I woke up to a girl giving me a handy. It was a male nurse inserting a catheter.
Definitely just said "no homo" to our gay waiter at Cheesecake Factory...our service has steadily declined since.
Semen is not good for contacts.
You were fucking on a porch at a party, not much privacy should be expected
I don't care if we have to swim home from the bar, Im not gonna sit home in the dark and read some fucking book
I have to talk to myself and be all "you are NOT horny tonight"
Pretty sure that I got the MVP of wedding reception... woke up on the bench in the hallway of a hotel and we did NOT start the night there.
I'm doing somethin that's never been done before...the 10 am booty call come over
I am so proud of him. After eating the rest of our shrooms, he finally registered to vote
I don't know how Dave is alive, I feel like he's been drinking since I met him.
The fact that the praying hands are in my top emojis defines how 2016 is going so far
Black magic does not go near my vagina, it's a rule
He wrote his entire dissertation last night. I can only imagine the frightening amount of headway he would make if he ever did things sober.
He once bought a dildo and put fifty dollars and a happy anniversary note in the battery compartment I gotta lock him down while hes available
Randomize
