see... this is why i put birth control in all my friends drinks
wait.... you do what?
I successfully cooked a taquito with a lighter! My stomach hurts now tho.. im either guna blame it on the undercooked taquito or im feeling guily about porkin my brothers gf a lil bit ago
There's nothing more uncomfortable than drifting into sexual fantasies on a roadtrip and realizing you have a boner with three other dudes in the car.
During sex he wiggled his hips and said "I'm turning the ice cream" Deal breaker?
You passed out across the stairs with your feet and arms through the railings so you "wouldn't fall down when you blacked out and no one could get the pizza past you without waking you up". \n\nYou're the smartest drunk I know.
This was like angel cum on the bread of life filled with the nectar of the gods
It's always nice when a total stranger hates your ex just as much as you think they should.
I just want to give face wipes a shout out for being there when im too tired or high to wash my face at night
I wish you could see all the crumbs in my bra....it looks like Hansel & Gretel got lost in my cleavage.
Oh no. Did you guys fuck on my pull out couch?
Me too like the fact they didn't arrest me wants to send them an edible arrangement
She's got Mike in the bathroom. He's covered in meat.
If Dr Phil has taught me anything about myself, it’s that I can seriously relate to those women who fake their pregnancies.
No I will not paint you for Mardi Gras in town. It is going to rain and you don't need another ID charge
Autocorrect changes "sex" to "sec". I have been so long without it my phone thinks I made a mistake.
Randomize
