That blackeyed peas song was on, so I thought that was prediciting tonight was going to be a good night. And then my garage door opner fell and hit me in the head.
I literally just copy and pasted that from another bbm convo bc I'm far too stoned to explain that again.
Suite mates just came in and said that we have to go to Africa. They're already packed. Didn't know you could get that high.
Please tell me how you drunkenly remembered your social security number when we were checking you into the ER.
Did we literally take a cab across the street
judging by her collection of mens sweaters, shes fucked the entire lands end catalog.
He made me this shot called the allergen. It was a shot of vodka with a Claritin dropped in it.
He spent $1100 at a strip club. If I had that kind of disposable income, I'd make a cocaine sandcastle.
I just walked out topless, stared his brother straight in the eye, and ate all the rest of their cookie dough.
Seriously though, passing out on the police station floor must have been priceless!
I'm dedicating this beer to drunk texting
I DID MY EXPERIMENTING. FOUR YEARS OF IT. IN HIGH SCHOOL.
You should never be more than a quarter of a mile from a working toilet
Preach!
I'm too over dressed and drunk for this emergency vets office
You wouldn't happen to know why there's an inflatable monkey riding a mattress on my roof would you?
He stopped the gas pump at 69 and gave me my receipt. He wants it.
Randomize
