Wtf am i supposed to tell my kids when they ask about my first time? "Mommy got drunk off her ass and fucked a total stranger in another stranger's bedroom, then got abandoned by the selfish prick and walk of shamed to the nearest gas station to call a cab, but ended up passed out in a park in a pool of her own puke."
At least mommy was smart enough to use protection and hack into the asshole's facebook account.
Well of course. Mommy may be a slutty drunk but she ain't no idiot.
Nothing on google about my condom issue. However, if you get a chance google: condom with teeth.
Btw, I'm creating an event on fb to celebrate the one yr anniversary since we went to jail.
Do you knowwwwww you never ha to pee while lhr on eztacy
Her throat is strong enough to gargle peanut butter. I'm sure you were satisfied.
when you come home i just want to let you know we are cats now. and we are out of eggs.
I am naked in a blanket sprawled on my bed eating a pastry. This is all I want out of life. Ever.
i love how you just walk into that dealer's house every time without knocking, yet you don't even know his name
Senior week was like trying to herd cats. Very drunk cats.
LEAVE ME AND MY NIPPLES ALONE
Sorry about the Christmas balls dude. At the time I thought they were festive as fk but I see now I've just spent too much time on the internet
Well I'm half drunk in a green tutu at a chipotle. So pretty good parade.
I'm starting to notice a direct correlation between blackouts and broken bones...
Hey do u remember the time we used my mascara wand as a drink stirer?
I collect Covid conspiracy theories like I collect Pokemon.
Randomize
