Currently listening to 'Just Put it in Your Mouth.' remember when i went through that phase?
I don't care if he is my ex... I have the deed to his dick until someone else fucks him. We broke up 2 years ago.... I am still holding that deed!
I haven't been able to trust a girl since spanks came out
Im am drinking whisky alone in my parents basement. I think I just watched the point of no return stroll by.
It's a 2 hour train ride a 7 in the morning, of course we're bringing alcohol
well I have to shit but I'm too hungover to push, and I snorted advil so I wouldn't have to swallow it and throw up.. hungover is an understatement.
all I'm saying is if you're gonna fuck a fat chick do it in a pool it's like zero gravity or something
how did you graduate high school
So you're not gonna be in town tonight?! Your dick was the light at the end of my academic tunnel!
Shut the fuck up! I can hear you having sex over Pirates of the Caribbean you moaning whore.
I texted her that I burned my tongue drinking coffee so it hurt to talk or kiss... How many points do I get for doing her without talking or making out first?
I choose my mates solely based on size and ability. No cuddles. No sleep overs. Definitely no repeats.
I love how my parents bring water bottles filled with vodka on family trips
Turns out the grown up version of seeing your teacher shopping is seeing your therapist is on tinder
How naked do you want me to be?
Yeah but now he has a wife. It’s going to be different this year
So what. We’ve banged every Thanksgiving since high school. She just has to understand it’s a holiday tradition
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