I only kidnapped one of them. chill
.....then i was kicked out of my work christmas party......
His little brother walked in on us. Six times.
Just found puke on my backpack while sitting in class. It's like this weekend won't leave me alone.
I'm pretty sure this is how polyamorous relationships begin.
It's not like I'm never gonna put out again. I'm a sure thing. I promise.
That's what I'm here for. To bitch slap you into believing in yourself.
He was showing him the picture of the 40 year old woman he made out with in Florida, turns out Chris made out with the same woman.
Go her
They were taking shots out of the caps of perfume bottles. This is too much for me.
He said "I can't wait for you to feel me inside of you so I can tell you gently that you're mine" and left me a 4 minute voice mail of him crying after I told him I didn't want to be with him. 30 year olds are off limits.
I just took what could be the most awkward shit in my life, which considering my definition of awkward and my experiences shitting, is pretty fucking awkward.
...
I was sitting there doing my business and the guy in the stall next to me banged on the stall and asked me how to spell picnic because he wasn't sure.
I just don't remember. It's like I went to bed on July 3rd.. and woke up on the 5th. Nothing.
You were a hurricane of blowjobs and glitter makeup. You came out of the closet and took the house down with it
I figure blowing aggressively into a harmonica is better than screaming, "GET THE FUCK AWAY FROM ME YOU SOCIOPATHIC SUCCUBUS" to my sister, in the middle of an auditorium, during my mothers college graduation ceremony.
my mom is drunk and is trying to get me to take a picture of her ass. what is life?
Randomize
