Dude if you're in another zip code it doesn't count
You don't understand. I'm not like you.
The pickup line "You look exactly like my sister" would only work in Arkansas...SCORE!!
so the plumber came, he found condoms, feathers and glitter in the pipes.
Things got a little weird when he fired up his homemade flamethrower in the living room.
DON'T BE A PUSSY. ONLY 1/3 OF THE WORDS IN YOUR LAST TEXT WERE MISSPELLED, WHICH MEANS YOU NEED 2/3 MORE SHOTS.
The girl who overdosed in the bathroom at work is back....help?
I gave the guy a $20 tip on a $9 cab ride, he thought I was just bad at math but I was really just incredibly thankful to be alive and home.
I was like "don't worry, I'm a math major and you deserve the shit out of that 222% tip"
I just got into the cab. It smells like weed and the driver looks like someone who may or may not be really talented at playing the saxophone. He also asked me my thoughts on porn when I told him I'm an actor. I might not make it home.
My FitBit tracked the calories I burned during sex. Hello 2015!
6 more days and it'll be a year since i slept with him and never went home
I went out to dinner with the girls thinking I'd be home early. Instead I ended up in the Englishman's hotel room. Long Live The Queen.
When she's hammered the amount of alliteration that comes out of her mouth is amazing.
If dispatch calls for us tell them I'm having a significant emotional event in the restroom
I'm sober now, I ate a whole cantaloupe.
what a classic moment of my life. A buffet of taco bell and a taser gun.
Randomize
