the beds are so narrow its like a jenga threesome
ohhhh fuckk. chicks a dude.
Excuse me? I'm weird? You're the one sticking your penis into a pringles can.
We're like two naked peas in a sex pod.
we are watching a video on ethics because somebody wrote "butt sex" on the attendance sign in sheet
Just remembered getting lost in a "shortcut" through yards and GPSing my way home last night
Wearing the 'Let's Party' thong feels weird without you...
You're lucky you got out when you did, about an hour later the girl in the Franzia box started wrestling everyone.
i have never been so sexually frustrated as I am right now. I feel like dying...is death an option?
I just spilled grey goose in my hair. You could say I keep it classy for the family Christmas parties.
You just gave me the title for the series of our lives. Haha. Chapter 12: the cocaine on the back of the hairbrush
Best thing I ever did was get a dog. She's like a living trip alarm to warn me of visitors while I'm masturbating.
Honestly, if you don't have a lawsuit pending against you by this time tomorrow, I'll be impressed.
He passed out in my car.
What's the problem?
HE'S STILL IN MY FUCKING CAR.
I just found out how I got home last night. The bartenders found me sitting in the brush peeing and called me a cab. Have you seen my underwear?
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