I feel like this woman may give her husband a hand job mid way through dinner. just saying.
Somedays I wish I were a bird. Then people wouldn't be so grossed out when I vomit
I hate it when hot girls behave. It's so anticlimactic
I wish I could sell my textbooks directly to my drug dealer and cut out the middle man
I have a broken liver
I see that the whole "let's take a break from drinking" has worked out really well for us.
She just cut the six pack plastic up and screamed "save the dolphins"..she also threw away cans of tuna. I like this girl.
I'm in the freezer. Shit took away any trace of hangover outa my body.
He has been feeding me cheesecake and candy for breakfast. Naked. For three days. How am I ever going to leave????
Went into Walmart to get a pregnancy test. Came out with a beta fish and chocolate.
HE STARTED HUMMING THE THEME TO STAR WARS!! WHILE I'M SUCKING HIS DICK!!
Hey, scratch that. I've shit 8 times today. I don't have the energy to get laid so I cancelled my date.
I'm so cold without your freakishly high body temperature
that's the equivalent to a normal girlfriends. 'I miss you' btw
I think I'm just going to get a farm, a vibrater, and a lot of wine.
I'm sorry, but the bed has won this battle. I got up, changed my shirt, combed my hair, put on some deodorant, and then looked at my bed and got back in
How high are you rn
Well I just ate a cheesecake straight from the box with a fork and now I’m laying upside down in a recliner chair seeing if I can Uber eats Doritos
So not that high
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