omg so im topless lying on my bed and i forgot my nail clippers are on my bed and i just leaned forward and the nail clipper closed. on my nipple. ouch
my roommate left her license, credit card, and cellphone on her desk. I feel like this is a trap.
maybe we can find two twins tonight and bang them together and then my life is complete
Sorry if I'm being weird. I'm dipping doritos in cabernet.
In the memo line of the check she wrote sexual healing.
You chanted SOFA PIZZA all night then we woke up to find about ten slices under the cushions where you were sleeping....
College is a time for personal growth. Meaning it's time to start using those pickup lines on randos at dive bars.
He has a shower chair now. So he sits and watches me shower. It's kind of creepy.
She rode an inflatable shark down the stairs. Viva shark week.
Then I did coke with my taxi driver where he then ended up paying me for the drive. You should try being a girl sometime it's super sick.
I haven't even sucked a boob is 6 weeks I hate not college
Did I put a bunch of spaghetti on you and then eat it off?!?
That you did
the staff put glowsticks in the urinals of the porta-pottys last night and honestly drunk me has never been more grateful for anything in his life
we played his NES Classic. Turns out there is a warp zone to my vagina.
and please, if you feel the urge to call me crying tomorrow night, do so. i will be home bored and sober.
Randomize
