I just hatefucked a Bush administration appointee. Now having celebratory mimosas.
I woke up to them arguing over who would get my morning wood. Oh, and I was dressed as Santa.
He looked at me and said "Last call" before putting his penis away into his boxers
We're the only two others left at work. My internal monologue is going: TAKE ME. TAKE ME NOWW. ON THE COUNTER. IN FRONT OF THE MANAGER. JUST TAKE MEEE
If only we could all 3 say fuck school to be stoner flight attendants
Hangover Status: I've been bedridden longer than that kid from The Secret Garden. It's not looking good.
the old man that you threw the shoe at says "hi" and many rude words...
He unbuckled his belt, tipped his hat at me, then told me to "saddle up"
this is like your 5th cowboy right? where do you keep finding these guys?!!
Would it be weird to jack off in the hospital?
Watching boy meets world, drinking left over pink panty droppers and coloring in a my little pony coloring book. This is my Monday night
I'm starting to think that birthday sex is just an urban legend. Like the boogey man, and woman orgasms.
so as he was cumming he sort of growled with one eye squinted... for a moment there I thought I was fucking Popeye
He interrupted me giving him head to ask if I were hungry, because he wanted to eat pizza. Wtf.
He wants to pour butter pecan flavored coffee creamer on me and lick it off. I'm like, dude, gross. French Vanilla ok? Ugh.
Nothing like sitting at your midterm pissed at yourself because you put your graphing calculator batteries in your vibrator and forgot to put them back in before the exam 😑
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